Thank You!
Dec. 5th, 2003 09:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elfie_chanFirst of all, I want to hug and snug everybody who left me comments on my last entry. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your comments really helped me feel better.
Today was a very good day. I had class this morning and wrote a really long and Grinch-y, bitter rant, which you can read .
Lost: My Christmas Spirit
I started thinking about Christmas the other day, and I wondered how I could have left it this late. After all, Christmas decorations have been up in town since before Thanksgiving, Christmas carols are blaring in every shop (and even on some radio stations) 24/7, and all the Christmas merchandise that anyone could ever want overflows the shelves everywhere I go. How did I manage to avoid thinking about Christmas until now?
Here's how: I made an effort. I ignored the carols and the lights, especially the ones that were going before Thanksgiving. I concentrated on school (not hard to do, with finals on the way) and spending the Thanksgiving holidays with both sides of the family. Now, Christmas is hitting me hard, and I find myself filled with dread.
This is a pretty strange thing to say about my favorite holiday of the year, but it's true. I'm starting to feel like Christmas is just another obligation for me to fulfill to maintain my relationships with family and friends, another tightrope for me to walk to avoid hurt feelings. I have to bbe careful not to spend more on one friend or family member than I do on another, because I don't want them to think that I love them any less. I don't have time to sit down and make a lot of beautiful, thoughtful, handmade gifts for everyone, and that makes me feel bad. I feel like, this Christmas, I'm just going to be fulfilling everyone else's expectations of me, and I haven't had the time to just sit and meditate on what Christmas is supposed to be about--love and giving and being with family and friends and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. I haven't had time to try to get into the spirit of Christmas, and I feel pulled in all different directions.
There are times when I just want to go home and lock the world outside, with all its stresses and demands. I want Alex's stress to go away, too, so I can have him all to myself. I want a day, even just one day, when the house is clean and there are no demands on either Alex or me--no homework, no housework, no appointments. Just our time, where we can do as we like. In a way, I feel like I'd like some time when it's all about me.
Thatn may sound incredibly selfish, but I feel like I've been doing my best to not be selfish, to let others have their way, to be nice and inoffensive. I'm getting a little tired of it, to be honest. I'd like to have my way once in a while--but I don't want to be bitchy and demand it.
I want to be able to give small, ersonal gifts and not be considered cheap. I want to celebrate Christmas my own way. I want to make my own decisions. I want to cry and be held, I want to be honest about my feelings, but I don't want to make other people feel bad just because I'm upset. I just want people to understand how I feel.
I'm a little bit afraid of Christmas this year, as it will be my first Christmas away from my family. I'll be with Alex and his family, and I love them dearly, but it'll still be hard. But I'm a "grown-up," so I don't want to cry just because I can't have things my way, especially in front of my in-laws.
I just want to recapture the magic of Christmas. I want to decorate for Christmas and celebrate Advent and have presents under the Christmas tree. I want that anticipation, that joy, that wonder. We're not decorating at our house this year, because we won't actually be in twon this year, but I miss it. Of course, even if I want to decorate, I don't know where any of my Christmas stuff is. It's very frustrating.
If you should find my Christmas Spirit, could you send it back to me? Thanks.
P.S. Yes, I know I said "I want" a lot in this entry, but I mean it. I'm sick of the commercialization of my favorite holiday, and I'm sick of all the expectaions. This is my journal, and I'll write what I want to. Maybe tomorrow I'll be nice again.
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty bitter and cynical this morning. However, after Japanese class and being picked up by Alex, I talked to him about it...and I immediately felt better. We talked about stress and how we need to spend more relationship-maintenance time. We talked about Christmas, my fears, and some of the upsides. I got out my anger and stress and PMS, and Alex listened. Then he offered some suggestions, and that helped a lot.
I think that the previous rant comes from me having too high expectations of myself. I don't think that anyone else expects me to be perfect, but I expect myself to be perfect. I expect myself to be the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect sibling. I was really worried that I'd hurt![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
arianadream and brightshadowsky yesterday with my semi-grouchiness, because they invited me to hang out with them, and I wanted to be more personable and social, and I knew I was being a bit brusque, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Then, I got home and read the comments that people left for me on my previous entry--and I realized that, even if you guys realized that I was being cranky, you still love me and understand that I have a bad day once in a while. Thanks, you nifty people. *snugsnugs*
I'll still do my best not to be bitchy, but it may happen occasionally. Grah. It almost feels like being "Bridezilla" again. Too much stress! Ah, well. After finals are over, things will settle down a bit.
Today, after school, Alex and I met up with Jonathan, a friend of ours who went to China to study. He came back for his sister's wedding, and we got together with him and another friend of ours, Dave. We did a little Christmas shopping. (Yes, my Christmas Spirit has returned. Thank you, everybody who helped me find it, even if you didn't realize I was looking for it!) We went to Euphoria Chocolates--danger, danger! Jonathan got some chocolate for some of his friends back in China, and Alex and I both got a truffle. Mmmmmmmmmm...treats also help me feel better.
After that, Dave had to go to a party or something, so Alex, Jonathan, and I went and picked up yet another friend of ours, Bobby. We all hung out for a while and talked while Bobby played "Kingdom Hearts," and then I insisted on some food (low blood sugar again...I learned my lesson!). We all went out for pizza, talked, laughed a whole lot, and then went home. It was altogether silly and unplanned, and it was nice to see these people that I haven't seen in such a long time. I really need to get together with people more often--they make my life so much better. *snugs all friends, including LJ friends*
Well, I should probably go. I have all my papers and final projects done, and now all I have to do is study for finals. No studying tonight, though. I think a hot toddy would be a perfect ending to this day...mmm...
Today was a very good day. I had class this morning and wrote a really long and Grinch-y, bitter rant, which you can read .
Lost: My Christmas Spirit
I started thinking about Christmas the other day, and I wondered how I could have left it this late. After all, Christmas decorations have been up in town since before Thanksgiving, Christmas carols are blaring in every shop (and even on some radio stations) 24/7, and all the Christmas merchandise that anyone could ever want overflows the shelves everywhere I go. How did I manage to avoid thinking about Christmas until now?
Here's how: I made an effort. I ignored the carols and the lights, especially the ones that were going before Thanksgiving. I concentrated on school (not hard to do, with finals on the way) and spending the Thanksgiving holidays with both sides of the family. Now, Christmas is hitting me hard, and I find myself filled with dread.
This is a pretty strange thing to say about my favorite holiday of the year, but it's true. I'm starting to feel like Christmas is just another obligation for me to fulfill to maintain my relationships with family and friends, another tightrope for me to walk to avoid hurt feelings. I have to bbe careful not to spend more on one friend or family member than I do on another, because I don't want them to think that I love them any less. I don't have time to sit down and make a lot of beautiful, thoughtful, handmade gifts for everyone, and that makes me feel bad. I feel like, this Christmas, I'm just going to be fulfilling everyone else's expectations of me, and I haven't had the time to just sit and meditate on what Christmas is supposed to be about--love and giving and being with family and friends and celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, our Savior. I haven't had time to try to get into the spirit of Christmas, and I feel pulled in all different directions.
There are times when I just want to go home and lock the world outside, with all its stresses and demands. I want Alex's stress to go away, too, so I can have him all to myself. I want a day, even just one day, when the house is clean and there are no demands on either Alex or me--no homework, no housework, no appointments. Just our time, where we can do as we like. In a way, I feel like I'd like some time when it's all about me.
Thatn may sound incredibly selfish, but I feel like I've been doing my best to not be selfish, to let others have their way, to be nice and inoffensive. I'm getting a little tired of it, to be honest. I'd like to have my way once in a while--but I don't want to be bitchy and demand it.
I want to be able to give small, ersonal gifts and not be considered cheap. I want to celebrate Christmas my own way. I want to make my own decisions. I want to cry and be held, I want to be honest about my feelings, but I don't want to make other people feel bad just because I'm upset. I just want people to understand how I feel.
I'm a little bit afraid of Christmas this year, as it will be my first Christmas away from my family. I'll be with Alex and his family, and I love them dearly, but it'll still be hard. But I'm a "grown-up," so I don't want to cry just because I can't have things my way, especially in front of my in-laws.
I just want to recapture the magic of Christmas. I want to decorate for Christmas and celebrate Advent and have presents under the Christmas tree. I want that anticipation, that joy, that wonder. We're not decorating at our house this year, because we won't actually be in twon this year, but I miss it. Of course, even if I want to decorate, I don't know where any of my Christmas stuff is. It's very frustrating.
If you should find my Christmas Spirit, could you send it back to me? Thanks.
P.S. Yes, I know I said "I want" a lot in this entry, but I mean it. I'm sick of the commercialization of my favorite holiday, and I'm sick of all the expectaions. This is my journal, and I'll write what I want to. Maybe tomorrow I'll be nice again.
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty bitter and cynical this morning. However, after Japanese class and being picked up by Alex, I talked to him about it...and I immediately felt better. We talked about stress and how we need to spend more relationship-maintenance time. We talked about Christmas, my fears, and some of the upsides. I got out my anger and stress and PMS, and Alex listened. Then he offered some suggestions, and that helped a lot.
I think that the previous rant comes from me having too high expectations of myself. I don't think that anyone else expects me to be perfect, but I expect myself to be perfect. I expect myself to be the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect daughter, the perfect sibling. I was really worried that I'd hurt
arianadream and brightshadowsky yesterday with my semi-grouchiness, because they invited me to hang out with them, and I wanted to be more personable and social, and I knew I was being a bit brusque, no matter how hard I tried to hide it. Then, I got home and read the comments that people left for me on my previous entry--and I realized that, even if you guys realized that I was being cranky, you still love me and understand that I have a bad day once in a while. Thanks, you nifty people. *snugsnugs*I'll still do my best not to be bitchy, but it may happen occasionally. Grah. It almost feels like being "Bridezilla" again. Too much stress! Ah, well. After finals are over, things will settle down a bit.
Today, after school, Alex and I met up with Jonathan, a friend of ours who went to China to study. He came back for his sister's wedding, and we got together with him and another friend of ours, Dave. We did a little Christmas shopping. (Yes, my Christmas Spirit has returned. Thank you, everybody who helped me find it, even if you didn't realize I was looking for it!) We went to Euphoria Chocolates--danger, danger! Jonathan got some chocolate for some of his friends back in China, and Alex and I both got a truffle. Mmmmmmmmmm...treats also help me feel better.
After that, Dave had to go to a party or something, so Alex, Jonathan, and I went and picked up yet another friend of ours, Bobby. We all hung out for a while and talked while Bobby played "Kingdom Hearts," and then I insisted on some food (low blood sugar again...I learned my lesson!). We all went out for pizza, talked, laughed a whole lot, and then went home. It was altogether silly and unplanned, and it was nice to see these people that I haven't seen in such a long time. I really need to get together with people more often--they make my life so much better. *snugs all friends, including LJ friends*
Well, I should probably go. I have all my papers and final projects done, and now all I have to do is study for finals. No studying tonight, though. I think a hot toddy would be a perfect ending to this day...mmm...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-05 10:55 pm (UTC)*snug*
Date: 2003-12-05 10:59 pm (UTC)Re: *snug*
Date: 2003-12-05 11:10 pm (UTC)Sugar. :D
Yep, the Elfster is ultimately cool and deserves many hugs.
Re: *snug*
Date: 2003-12-06 11:42 pm (UTC)Re: *snug*
Date: 2003-12-07 12:39 am (UTC)Re: *snug*
Date: 2003-12-07 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-05 11:33 pm (UTC)But good luck through your struggle! :3 Trust Jesus! :D
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 11:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-05 11:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 11:43 pm (UTC)Well, you've got us! It's true, we're only 'net friends, but still...we're something. Heh. And, if it's God's will that you move up here, then you'll have us that much closer! *snugs*