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Turning in the Vest
Aug. 1st, 2002 01:43 amTomorrow is my last day working at my current job. As happy as I am to be leaving, I'm also taking a step into an uncertain world. I don't have another job lined up, though I do have a few promising leads. Many people probably think this is silly--why leave a fairly secure job when you don't have some other secure option set up? Well, here's a clue--when you come home crying from your job because you're so frustrated about everything and it leaks over into the rest of your life and relationships, it's time to leave. Besides that, the not-knowing is rather refreshing. It's nice to realize that tomorrow, I'll be turning in my oversized red vest, divested of everything that made it mine (nametag, grumpy-Zelgadis pin, etc.) and moving on to a new place in my life, even if I don't know yet exactly what stage that is. I know God has something planned for me. It's a surprise. ^_^
I did get a nice introduction to a lady that my dad works with today. I'm applying to work in her section of the credit union, in the call center. It sounds promising. So far, I've been rejected for two jobs, but I'm not giving up! ^_^v
In any case, leaving my current job got me thinking about changes. A lot of things are changing in my life right now, and some of those changes leave a kind of bittersweet taste in my heart, if that makes any sense. The biggest change is, of course, getting married, but that big change has caused ripples of smaller changes in other areas of my existence. I find my relationships shifting--friends who I used to be really close to are a little more distant now, while friends I was less close to are becoming REALLY close. I find myself seeking out my mother more often and talking to her, as well as my friends who are already married, seeking advice and as much guidance as possible. I also seek out my single friends, searching for that part of myself that is still very much attached to them, but in a different way than before. I don't feel any LESS attached to any of my friends, but those attachments are shifting and deepening in different ways. The change is kinda scary sometimes.
Other changes: moving out. I've always lived with my parents, and now I'm going to be moving in with Alex (after the wedding). Contrary to popular belief, I think this is just fine. I don't NEED to live on my own. There have been times, however, when I've wanted to do what my friend Nikki did--go to sailing school and learn to sail for real, living with a crew, bonding with people and finding that joy in the Sea that I may never be able to reach. That makes me ache inside in a strange way--I've never been to sea (except on a whale-watching tour, but that doesn't count), but I feel a kind of longing for it. I want to go to sea--not on a cruise, not on a tour, but for real. I want to work, to become strong, to truly experience life at sea. I don't know if I ever will now. And that's sad. It makes me cry, but I don't know why. I mean, I've never BEEN there. How can I be homesick for something I've never experienced?
Nikki wrote a story that really touched me. I think it's called "Landlocked Mermaid," and it's about some of the things she experienced, told from someone else's point of view. It made me feel like an observer--someone who stays outside, looking in, and never really gets involved. God, how I want to get involved. I want to touch something like what she did, to discover my passion. I started writing again last night, and that helped to dampen the longing. Writing is my passion, even more than drawing. I enjoy drawing, but writing is what truly drives me. I have worlds and worlds in my head, and each world has so many people, longing to share their stories. Maybe writing will do for me what sailing does for Nikki. Still...I long to go to Sea and experience that adventure.
It's not that I regret my decision to marry. I'm ready and willing to marry Alex right now, if it were possible. But still...sometimes I think the Sea is calling. If so, it'll have to leave a message after the beep--I'm not coming to the phone. At least, not right now. ^_~ Maybe Alex and I will go to sea together someday. That would rock. I look forward to doing a lot of adventuring with him.
Back to the point I was making: I'm not worried about moving directly from my parents' house to Alex's (soon to be OUR) house. It's like going home. I love Alex so much...it's wonderful to be loved by someone like him.
That reminds me. Alex and I are going through premarital counseling, which is one of the requirements for getting married at our church. Our pastor, who is also our counselor, reccommended that we go through something called a "marriage inventory," which is a list of questions to be filled out separately that supposedly points out potential problems. We turned these forms in to our counselor separately, neither person looking at the other's form or discussing our answers to the questions. About a week later, we met with our counselor, and he informed us that he has no worries about our marriage. He has never seen any couple as compatible as we are. I think that's pretty nifty. I knew Alex was my soulmate, but to have it confirmed is pretty spiff. Alex and I have our differences and problems, of course, but we're pretty aware of them in ourselves and in each other, so we try to accommodate each other and be forgiving, as well as being willing to apologize when our own problems get a little out of hand. All in all, we're off to a great start.
Anyhoos. Changes. Change is good, but strange. I find myself becoming more aware of changes in my life, as well as the way I relate to others. This is a very emotional time for me, and I find myself more likely to laugh or cry, rather than keeping control of myself. I'd like to work on this, but it doesn't seem to be a controllable thing. Ah, well.
There's lots more I could put here, but I think I'll save that for another time. I have to work day shift tomorrow, and I should go to bed soon. *snugs to all* Thanks for listening.
P.S. I still haven't done that report for Egils, but let's just say that it was busy and fun, and not enough people got in. We need a perma-site for that event where we can conduct it the way we want to. I'll do a more detailed report on Sea Dog Nights later, but for now: Relaxation. Talking. Singing. Storytelling. Snuggling with Alex. Fun. Not enough time with anybody. Not fun. The End.
I did get a nice introduction to a lady that my dad works with today. I'm applying to work in her section of the credit union, in the call center. It sounds promising. So far, I've been rejected for two jobs, but I'm not giving up! ^_^v
In any case, leaving my current job got me thinking about changes. A lot of things are changing in my life right now, and some of those changes leave a kind of bittersweet taste in my heart, if that makes any sense. The biggest change is, of course, getting married, but that big change has caused ripples of smaller changes in other areas of my existence. I find my relationships shifting--friends who I used to be really close to are a little more distant now, while friends I was less close to are becoming REALLY close. I find myself seeking out my mother more often and talking to her, as well as my friends who are already married, seeking advice and as much guidance as possible. I also seek out my single friends, searching for that part of myself that is still very much attached to them, but in a different way than before. I don't feel any LESS attached to any of my friends, but those attachments are shifting and deepening in different ways. The change is kinda scary sometimes.
Other changes: moving out. I've always lived with my parents, and now I'm going to be moving in with Alex (after the wedding). Contrary to popular belief, I think this is just fine. I don't NEED to live on my own. There have been times, however, when I've wanted to do what my friend Nikki did--go to sailing school and learn to sail for real, living with a crew, bonding with people and finding that joy in the Sea that I may never be able to reach. That makes me ache inside in a strange way--I've never been to sea (except on a whale-watching tour, but that doesn't count), but I feel a kind of longing for it. I want to go to sea--not on a cruise, not on a tour, but for real. I want to work, to become strong, to truly experience life at sea. I don't know if I ever will now. And that's sad. It makes me cry, but I don't know why. I mean, I've never BEEN there. How can I be homesick for something I've never experienced?
Nikki wrote a story that really touched me. I think it's called "Landlocked Mermaid," and it's about some of the things she experienced, told from someone else's point of view. It made me feel like an observer--someone who stays outside, looking in, and never really gets involved. God, how I want to get involved. I want to touch something like what she did, to discover my passion. I started writing again last night, and that helped to dampen the longing. Writing is my passion, even more than drawing. I enjoy drawing, but writing is what truly drives me. I have worlds and worlds in my head, and each world has so many people, longing to share their stories. Maybe writing will do for me what sailing does for Nikki. Still...I long to go to Sea and experience that adventure.
It's not that I regret my decision to marry. I'm ready and willing to marry Alex right now, if it were possible. But still...sometimes I think the Sea is calling. If so, it'll have to leave a message after the beep--I'm not coming to the phone. At least, not right now. ^_~ Maybe Alex and I will go to sea together someday. That would rock. I look forward to doing a lot of adventuring with him.
Back to the point I was making: I'm not worried about moving directly from my parents' house to Alex's (soon to be OUR) house. It's like going home. I love Alex so much...it's wonderful to be loved by someone like him.
That reminds me. Alex and I are going through premarital counseling, which is one of the requirements for getting married at our church. Our pastor, who is also our counselor, reccommended that we go through something called a "marriage inventory," which is a list of questions to be filled out separately that supposedly points out potential problems. We turned these forms in to our counselor separately, neither person looking at the other's form or discussing our answers to the questions. About a week later, we met with our counselor, and he informed us that he has no worries about our marriage. He has never seen any couple as compatible as we are. I think that's pretty nifty. I knew Alex was my soulmate, but to have it confirmed is pretty spiff. Alex and I have our differences and problems, of course, but we're pretty aware of them in ourselves and in each other, so we try to accommodate each other and be forgiving, as well as being willing to apologize when our own problems get a little out of hand. All in all, we're off to a great start.
Anyhoos. Changes. Change is good, but strange. I find myself becoming more aware of changes in my life, as well as the way I relate to others. This is a very emotional time for me, and I find myself more likely to laugh or cry, rather than keeping control of myself. I'd like to work on this, but it doesn't seem to be a controllable thing. Ah, well.
There's lots more I could put here, but I think I'll save that for another time. I have to work day shift tomorrow, and I should go to bed soon. *snugs to all* Thanks for listening.
P.S. I still haven't done that report for Egils, but let's just say that it was busy and fun, and not enough people got in. We need a perma-site for that event where we can conduct it the way we want to. I'll do a more detailed report on Sea Dog Nights later, but for now: Relaxation. Talking. Singing. Storytelling. Snuggling with Alex. Fun. Not enough time with anybody. Not fun. The End.
